Mercedes Aspland - Embracing Self-Love for Personal Growth

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Hi and welcome to the You World Order Showcase podcast. Today we are talking with Mercedes Aspland and she is the host of the Self Love.

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Transformation. She is the founder of the Inner transformation and awakened community, and she's here to share with us her journey, what she's doing and.

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Welcome to the podcast Mercedes. It's really.

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Great to have you here.

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Hi, thanks for thanks for having me on here. I really appreciate it.

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I thought that I'd start just telling you about my journey and how I got to where I am right now and then I can explain sort of what I'm doing and what's where, how it's relevant. So going back to, I go all the way back to my childhood. I grew up with a father.

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Who was an abusive alcoholic?

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And there was lots of turmoil in my life.

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I think from about the age of 15 I was like, that's it. I don't want my dad in my life at all. And it was about five years, no contact. And then when I was about 20, I was like seeing.

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Him very occasionally.

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And then when I was 25, he committed suicide and did it so that his body was found on Father's Day.

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UM, so it was quite a. It was quite a traumatic thing for me. And at the time I was in a I was in banking. I had really quite a corporate job. I was on kind of fast track to be management at a really young age. And I just thought, you know what, it's really I don't want to.

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Do this anymore and.

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I kind of say to people that my dad killing himself was the worst thing that could possibly happen, but it was also the best thing that could.

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Possibly happen to me because.

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It triggered a change in my life and actually allowed me to start living the life I was supposed to live if.

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That makes sense.

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So I left.

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Lots of different jobs that have been my own businesses. I've run an e-commerce sites. I've done a bit of property development.

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The biggest thing for me was I spent a year.

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Where I kind of moved away from where I was living and went to somewhere that was a bit more.

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Remote and didn't really know anyone and it was like a year long retreat. So there was a period where I would get up in the morning and.

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I would meditate and chance. I was doing a lot of yogurt, so I was doing yoga and I was reading.

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The bag of agita every day, or sections of it. I was reading other spiritual texts and I.

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Was doing.

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All of this before I even sort of.

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Got functioning in the morning and then do it spend the rest of day kind of on me.

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And that retreat into myself sort of taught me a lot about me and.

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Actually the issues that maybe I was carrying with me and the fact that sometimes the lack of self love is actually triggering things that are going on.

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And as I learned to love myself a lot more, I developed it. I think I first kind of came across the idea of not loving myself as much as I could.

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A bit a little bit before then I was working through Louise Hayes. You can heal your life with my mum. And it got to the mirror work and had to look yourself in the eye and say, Mercedes, I love you and I actually physically could not do it. It was like I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. And I thought, do I never look at myself in the mirror? And I thought I I'm sure I do.

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But obviously I do, but I don't really look.

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And so that kind of triggered a lot of a lot of things. And that was the beginning of the journey. Really got me into. I'm a yoga teacher and I went through that whole journey of finding myself.

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So now I find myself coaching other people to love themselves.

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To appreciate themselves and to go through some of the journey that I've been through, and hopefully that if I if I teach what I know from what I've learned about me, it will have be a benefit to other people.

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That's quite the journey. Having a parent commit suicide is just like throwing a grenade in the middle of a room full of people you love and.

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Just the damage is so awful. My husband's mom committed suicide.

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Also and I.

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Really sympathized with you. It just.

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And the way he.

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I think the thing that people.

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Did it was like?

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Umm. And I think the thing that people when they kill them so they don't realize is I think most people that kill themselves think they're doing what's right for their family. But I think if they really understood the impact that suicide has on people who survive it, don't think anybody would ever do it if they really understood.

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Good that.

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It kind of rips your world apart because you have no answer as to why somebody actually did what they did, and you can't. You always will think maybe if I'd done something different, the outcome would have been different and you will never get an answer to that. And that's something that maybe if more people knew that and more people talked about suicide, then less people would do it because they'd understand it a bit more.

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Yeah, I think you're very right on that, that point and it.

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I'm glad that you found these other ways of coping with it and it seems to me just from the outside that.

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Because of the abuse that you suffered at his hands, kind of like all the way through your childhood when you got to that point where it just put the cap on it, you weren't going to have a relationship with him anymore. It'll it kind of.

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Opened the door for you to be able to heal.

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Which, you know, some people don't get that option, but.

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It it's nice that.

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You took the option to heal and.

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How do you?

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I know that you provide coaching for other people that are going through whatever traumatic experiences they have in their lives. How do you, how do you work with them?

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Largely I've I do group coaching, but I'm working. I'm transitioning towards having a membership site which is launching very soon where it will be ongoing, regular coaching and community support so that people can really get that whole idea of we're wearing it together because this whole process, I mean, I would say for my dad committed suicide when I was 25.

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And for me to actually come out of that.

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It took ten years, right? And I know that sounds like a such a long time, but there is so much to go through, and even now I still find sometimes I'm unpacking stuff and to go through that with the community. I mean, I wish I'd gone through it with other people. I kind of did it all on my own, and I wish that I'd had something there where I could have.

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Other people around me, I reconnect with myself with.

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Support around. I didn't really understand it at the time.

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But, and we're kind of offering this space where people.

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And they don't even necessarily have to have been through a traumatic event, but they may feel that they are not really connected with themselves. They don't have the love for themselves that they should, and then they've got a big community there that can actually help them to go through that together and expand and go on the, the lifelong journey that we have together.

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Communities are amazing.

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You can you can do one-on-one coaching and you can get transformations, but just having a group of people that you can ask questions of, you know, sometimes one coach doesn't have all the answers, but somebody else who's on the path to. They might be like Oh yeah, I went through that and this is what I did and it really helped me.

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And somebody else might have a totally different perspective, and that might be the.

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One that helps.

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You so it just allows you to have access to so many more answers.

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As well.

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As individuals.

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Exactly. And it's and just knowing you've got that support behind you that there are.

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Other people there that.

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Are struggling with the same things as you're struggling with because the truth is we all struggle with something in one in one way or another. We've all got our limiting beliefs. We've all got our fears, we've got the things that.

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Hold us back and to have a community of people that say, yeah, do you know what I've got that as well? Makes you feel not quite so alone. Because often when we're going through things, we think oh.

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Everybody else has got it together and I haven't when the reality is that that's not the case.

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A lot of my early years, strangely enough, from my dad. My dad studied when he was a teenager.

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With the Dalai Lama, he went to he went to study with him for three, three months. So he got. I was brought up with a lot of his principles around me and obviously the concept of suffering and that every household there is suffering.

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I think there's the Buddhist proverb where a woman who loses her child goes to the Buddha and she says will you bring my child back to life? I can't deal with this pain. And he says yes, I will if you can bring me a flower from the house that has experienced no suffering.

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And I think after years and years and years of searching, she goes back to me. She says, OK, I get it. There is no house that has no suffering in it. And I think that kind of whole concept of that we, we are all suffering in our own ways actually is a is a real support to us because we know that we aren't sitting here with a lot of pain and everybody else is going around their life.

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Happy and everything and we're not getting it right. We're just in our own place and our own suffering and experiencing what we're experiencing right now.

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And if we didn't experience the suffering, then the joy wouldn't be as sweet. And I personally think that we make these sole contracts before we come here and we're living the life we chose to live.

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Having the experiences we chose to have, and we're as coaches helping people that we're supposed to help, and it's.

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It in some ways.

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It helps when you come across things like people that cut themselves out of your life or commit suicide or make decisions that are really.

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Really harmful to themselves or bad decisions in their lives, and you can look at them and you can forgive them because it's not you, it's them. And they made a choice somewhere along the line that this is the experience that they want to have. As bad as it.

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Might seem.

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We aren't. It's not up to us to fix them if they want fixing, they can. They can find fixing, I mean.

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As coaches, we.

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I think we tend to want to help like anybody. We can. Everybody is.

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Like please don't suffer.

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Can help you.

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But it really I think it's bigger than that, I think people.

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Sometimes they want help and sometimes they just want to suffer. Just kind of weird but.

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Yeah. Well, it's interesting though, because I was reading. I read reading Dawson church. I think it was in his book Bliss Brain and I can't remember the exact number, but I think he's saying like.

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Of the people who suffer like serious, traumatic events, it's only somewhere around 20% that experience PT.

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D and the vast majority, which we don't talk about actually experience post traumatic growth. So we actually flourish from the trauma. So although trauma and suffering feels like this really awful thing that we have to go through that actually it's for most of us, it's actually of benefit to our lives in the long run.

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And we may not feel that at the time, but it, however big or small the trauma is, because what I consider a trauma may be different to what somebody else considers A trauma. But everything that we experience as a.

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Trauma majority of it will have a beneficial outcome in the long run and allow you to expand, which actually is a really positive thing way.

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To look at it.

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You know, I can look at my dad's suicide and say it was a horrific thing to happen, or I can say actually it allowed me to expand who I was and to step out-of-the-box that I had put myself into, which was a box I actually didn't want to be in.

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But so long as he was still around, you felt like you had certain responsibilities that you had to do whether you wanted to or not, because you know he was your dad.

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Yeah. And there was always that hope. I mean that was the thing I dealt with when he died is the biggest thing actually, because for the last 10 years, he'd only. I'd only seen him like half a dozen times. So he wasn't. I didn't really lose anything when he died, other than the hope that maybe one day, maybe just one day I could have a relationship with him, it was really not.

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But there was nothing really there. So actually what I was losing was what was in my brains. It was the story I was telling myself. So actually what I had to grieve was not his death. I had to grieve was.

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What I had one.

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And holding on to which is actually usually where the majority of our suffering comes from.

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Yeah, that's a very powerful statement. In fact, I can relate to that with my own family, with my mom.

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It's it was all in my head. There's the need and want for a certain kind of relationship. When she died. That's what went is the hope that I could have that relationship that I'd always wanted never happened.

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No, it's and we hold on to those things so tightly that actually when we do that, we don't leave space for anything else because that's like all we can.

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To see is.

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I want the relationships that other people have.

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UM, rather than what you do have and saying OK, well, let's move on with that.

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Because we can only we can only have what's there in front of us and.

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Living in the now, and if that relationship isn't there now.

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Then that's all we've got, and the hope is, is irrelevant. It's not real.

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And that's.

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And I think that's one of things I like to teach people as well is that living in the now being aware of who you are.

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And not.

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Not grasping. I heard a great.

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I am.

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One of the people I I've one of the coaches that I've worked with, so something great and it's really true. When we move forward in our lives with intention but without an agenda because so often when we set our souls our, our, our ideals and we want to achieve something, we suddenly create the route that that's got.

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To happen. And actually what we do is we close ourselves down to what?

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Is really out there, so this whole idea of creating our lives too tightly is actually is what holds so much of us, so much of everything back. It's this idea that life should be a certain way.

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Rather than actually enjoying what we have right now, which on the most part is actually good, it's just our brains with our negativity bias. They go out.

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And they say.

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200 wonderful things happened to me today, but one really rubbish thing happened, so I am going to spend my whole evening stewing on that person who cut me up on the way home because that's all my brain can think about. That forgets all the great things that happen to you today and so.

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Part of it is actually opening your mind up to that awareness of actually what is the good stuff that's happening right now. What happened to me today that was good. I think when we start to become aware of that it.

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Changes our whole.

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Outlook on life and the positivity actually does take over. We can train our brain to be more positive and to tune out the negative.

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Or at least not dwell on it or to reframe it in a way that's not.

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Because nothing is really devastating until you're gone, and then, then you're gone, and whatever's next is next. Or not and.

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It it's a process and it's really easy to let yourself fall back into the I'm going to be suffering. I'm the victim of the situation. The universe is out to get me. When really the universe is.

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Mostly conspiring to.

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Help you and if you believe that.

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It will come true because we create our own realities one way or the other.

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One of the things we focus on.

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Yeah, people don't realize how powerful that is.

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I mean.

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Funny enough, in my mum's family.

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One of the things that happened my mum, mum's mum, my mum's dad used to say I'm going to live 3 school year and 10.

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And he died three months before his 70th birthday. OK. And it's always what he said. And live 3 school year and 10 and died. Then my mum's sister used to say I'm not going to live past 40, which was 38. She had a.

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Brain hemorrhage but.

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What these people don't realize? You say things like this. You are actually telling your brain this is how long I am going to live. So your brain goes OK then, and it takes it in and it. Actually the universe. Here you goes. Well, this person. That's what they want and it gives you what you want. So you have to be really mindful of the things that are coming out of your out of your brain and.

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Out of your mouth.

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And the things you think, the things you say and.

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I become. I become.

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More and more conscious of it, I've got a toddler and.

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He's already started saying things like ohh I'm such an idiot and I'm like, no, no, you did a silly thing. You're not an idiot, but I think do I say that about myself? And he's hearing me say it, so he's just repeating it back and so.

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He's actually helped me to be even more mindful of what I'm saying.

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Because he's actually showing me the negative things that still come out of my mouth that I subconsciously come out.

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I have a.

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A different thing that's happened in my family. I have a father.

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In law.

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He's 80.

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Five now I think.

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His failing heart. He's had a failing heart for maybe 15 years now.

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And like had heart.

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Tax and stuff that he has always.

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Said I'm going to live to be a.

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And you still going.

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I have no doubt he'll live to.

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Be 100. It's just like.

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He he's never wavered on that, no matter what's happened, he always tells the world I am so healthy. I I've never been sick. A day in my life, and even though, I mean, he goes to the doctor and the doctor's.

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Yeah, your hearts.

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Failing it's like, no, no it's not.

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It's, but he just keeps chugging along.

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It's amazing what a positive outlook will do and it makes.

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A huge difference.

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It really does, I.

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It's like those affirmations to save them, even if at first you don't necessarily believe them. Just keep saying them over and over and over again because eventually your brain will actually believe them because you will. You will retrain your brain into. This is what I think. So this must be what I believe.

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And find a few that that you can just glom onto whenever you start to have those negative thoughts, and they always happen. But.

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It's just repetition.

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Because we're human. But if you have something to replace them with, if you recognize. Oh, I've got this. This I'm thinking this negative thing and it's not serving me.

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And just start.

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Repeating the affirmation.

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It just as like a little mantra in your head, you can replace that bad loop with a more positive loop that will serve you much better.

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Yeah. And I think that's important. It's replacing the negative with the positive because if you just say, I'm not going to think that negative thing anymore, your brain has nothing to replace it with. It will keep coming back because you haven't. You haven't given it anything else. So what's it going to think? It's it, there's nothing there.

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So it's and that's why it needs. That's where the all these practices need constant practice, because if we don't constantly practice them, then we just slip back because we're not doing the positive things that are going to take us out of the negative. It's like a habit. If you start a habit and then you don't do it.

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And right.

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For two or three days.

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All of a sudden you just don't do it anymore because.

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You don't do it.

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And that your brain says, well, I didn't do it yesterday, so I won't bother doing it today. And it's just making all of these things.

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Habits that you do all the time and there is no excuse like you don't sort of wake up in the morning think.

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I think I'll eat today.

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It's just not something you do or most people think. I don't think. I don't know. I don't think I'll wash this week. We just do these things. I don't think I brush my teeth when I go out because we do them because.

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They're part of what we do. We don't think about.

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It we just.

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Do them, and that's what some of these practices should be. Things that we start doing without thinking.

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And an easy way for the affirmations thing.

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Is to write it with a magic marker, but not the kind that won't ever come off unless you don't ever want it to come off on your mirror like in your bathroom or any place that you look often.

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And all around your house.

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So that you see them.

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When you're just glancing, because then your brain starts picking it.

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Up it's like.

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Subliminal advertising and it's different than putting it on a sticky.

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Note if it's actually.

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On something like your mirror, when you're standing in the bathroom.

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It it'll just.

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It'll fade from your view at some point, but your brain still recognize.

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Is it and it'll keep pushing it through your subconscious.

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Yeah, I am. I use it as a screensaver. Use one as a screensaver on my phone. So every time I pick my phone up I see it that before I knock it, I have to see it. It's just there constantly because you look at your phone so.

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Yeah, you don't.

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Even have to really read it or say it out loud, though those are powerful ways to do it, it's just the.

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Coming into your vision, your field of vision it.

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It registers on your brain even though you're not consciously thinking about it.

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You feel it rather than read it, so you pick it up and you feel because you're looking, you are looking at it so you feel it internally without actually repeating it back. So yeah.

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Just one of those simple.

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Simple things that is like makes a huge difference. I know that you're. I'm getting ready to do a challenge. A self love challenge you want.

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To talk a little bit about that.

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Yeah, I'm doing a A7 day self love challenge, which every day we're going to go through a different topic. So one of the days is on body love and then we've got bits about forgiving the past.

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And really, the whole idea is that you just work on yourself, so there can be journaling prompts. There'll be affirmations for each day, and I've also done a meditation and a tapping session to go along. So to really help to enhance what you're doing and that's going to B7 days and we have, I have a few tasks to go before and integration day as well.

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And people can join my Facebook group and get advice and help with.

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That, and if it's not going on live, it's available for a small fee on my website and you can then keep.

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It forever. So it's a really it's going to be a really good thing and I hope it's going to help a lot of people. I've got just about 350 people signed up to do it live.

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At the moment, so it's quite exciting, yeah.

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Very exciting.

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There's good there's.

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A good community vibe going on already, so that's a really positive thing.

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Are you going to do it in your Facebook group?

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Yeah, it's going to or going live in the Facebook group.

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Awesome. Awesome.

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That's very exciting joint good.

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We'd love to have you.

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Yeah, I I'm really excited about it is there, is there anything else that you'd like to?

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Share with the audience.

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Yeah, I've obviously got self love starter kit and people can get for free from my website.

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And just what I'd like to say is that never stop trying because obviously sometimes it can be very easy to give.

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In and think.

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This just stuff isn't working, but just trust that it is and just never stop. Never stop believing in yourself. It will work in the end.

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Yeah, that.

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That's just get back up. Fall down seven times. Get up 8.

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Exactly, exactly. There's no failure. We can just keep going.

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Yeah. Failure is just something that you don't want to try again. Just. Yeah. Yeah. The thing that didn't work. But there's something that will. So just keep trying.

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Because, well.

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Exactly, yes.

:: 25:25

Thank you so much for joining me today, Mercedes. This has been amazing.

:: 25:30

Well, thank you for having me. I really enjoyed it.