Traci Everett - Empowering Families in their ADHD Journey

:: 00:01

Hi and welcome to the You World Order Showcase podcast. Today we are speaking with Traci Everett. Traci is from strategic connections. We have powers, people who have ADHD to find and put in place strategies that will help them truly thrive in every area.

:: 00:19

Of their lives.

:: 00:20

We are so glad to have you here.

:: 00:23

Traci and get to talk about neurodivergence.

:: 00:27

Have a.

:: 00:28

Catchy catch word phrase that's being thrown around these days, but it's not new. It's been around for decades, really. It just seems like now we're getting more tensions being placed on it. So.

:: 00:44

Tell us your story. How did?

:: 00:45

You get started in this and what are?

:: 00:47

You doing with people?

:: 00:49

All right. Thanks so much for having me. I'm.

:: 00:51

Really excited to.

:: 00:52

Be here.

:: 00:53

And I started as I.

:: 00:56

Always as a little kid.

:: 00:58

Like wanted to be a teacher. That's what I wanted to do. And as I kind of got into teaching, it became clear that the special education world was a way to help people.

:: 01:10

New might have been overlooked otherwise and this was, you know, a long time ago. And so I was really excited to be a part of what was kind of an up and coming part of education even back then.

:: 01:24

And over the course of those years that I was in schools, I learned so much like the research just became clearer and clearer. We knew more and more about how the brain works, about what it what kind of impact it has on students when they are part of a regular.

:: 01:44

Community as opposed to being put in, you know, the closet, because that's when I started teaching.

:: 01:51

Special education classes were often in the makeshift, you know janitors. Closet was a tragedy, but it was. I've seen the changes over time and we know now that ADHD we used to diagnose mostly.

:: 02:11

Little boys who bounced around classroom.

:: 02:16

And now we know that we have spent all this time overlooking the little girls, and that is very I know about the gender. I mean, I know about all of that stuff and it is it. It's not that cut and dried.

:: 02:31

I understand.

:: 02:32

But typically there are.

:: 02:34

Another group of kids.

:: 02:37

Who are maybe looking out the window watching the?

:: 02:40

Butterflies go by, or they're just.

:: 02:42

Daydreaming. And they're also not paying attention in the way that they need to be to maximize their learning. Lots of other things are going on. So we've learned that ADHD is not something that is just about.

:: 02:58

Being the bouncy kid, it's also about the way we pay attention, and it's even bigger than that. It's not even really about attention at all.

:: 03:08

It's much more about executive functioning skills and that's kind of a catch all for. I mean it's a big phrase, it has very specific meanings, but kind of different meanings and different arenas.

:: 03:22

But when you're when you have difficulty organizing yourself and managing your time and keeping up.

:: 03:29

With all of.

:: 03:30

Your things and paying attention to what you're supposed to be keeping that whatever you're working on in your memory. I mean, it's it really can impact so many areas of life. So that's.

:: 03:41

Kind of.

:: 03:42

I got to the point where I thought, OK, we're going to, we're going to start making some shifts. I can feel it.

:: 03:50

And we didn't make the shifts, we just kept getting more and more information and little tiny pockets of education. We're trying, but it just never caught on. And then.

:: 04:01

I remember thinking when the beginning of the pandemic happened and we were.

:: 04:06

Going to all.

:: 04:07

Have to shift to online learning.

:: 04:09

I had this moment. I mean, I was terrified of COVID. It was a whole thing. I was in California.

:: 04:14

Where it?

:: 04:14

Was like, you know, we were.

:: 04:16

All being very.

:: 04:17

Cautious but I thought.

:: 04:19

OK. But one of the Silver Linings is going to be that educators are going to say, hey, we know how the brain works now and we know how we can use online.

:: 04:29

Education to really bring in some of these ideas that are not new but are new to education.

:: 04:36

And instead of doing that education just dug in their heels and said we want to go back to the way things have always been and the way things had always been wasn't working for most of the students that I was working with. So it left me feeling.

:: 04:53

Even more frustrated than I had been up until that point, and after a while I said to my husband I.

:: 04:59

Said. I just don't think I.

:: 05:01

Can do this anymore? I feel like.

:: 05:04

Kind of banging my head against the wall and so we talked about it and I looked into some different programs and I was able to go through a coaching the life coaching program, training, but with the idea of working with people who have ADHD and it was so wonderful. And my husband said, sure, you can do this.

:: 05:24

Coaching thing.

:: 05:26

But let's move back to New York. So.

:: 05:29

We were able.

:: 05:30

To both be happy, I get to do what I want with my life and we get to live where I mean, I love New York too, but anyway.

:: 05:37

So that's kind of I've been here now doing coaching full time.

:: 05:42

For just a little over.

:: 05:46

You look not New York City.

:: 05:48

Outside of New York.

:: 05:49

Yeah, outside of new.

:: 05:50

York, we lived in the city for a while. My husband is actually from the Bronx, and we lived in Manhattan for.

:: 05:55

A couple of years and loved it.

:: 05:57

But we decided.

:: 05:58

You know we're.

:: 06:00

We like to be near the city so we can go when we want to, but also to have a little bit of.

:: 06:05

Peace and quiet and you know. And so yeah it's nice out on the island.

:: 06:13

Yeah, it's so different. I.

:: 06:17

I won't go there.

:: 06:21

We'll just stick to the topic.

:: 06:23

Yes, yes.

:: 06:26

You were teaching in schools there and then you and now you kind of morphed over into just helping students mainly.

:: 06:39

That's a great question. So I started with just students and I would help them kind of wherever they were. And I started with a couple of middle school students and a couple of high school students. Then eventually a couple of college students connected with me. So I had a little bit of a lot of things going on, and it depended on.

:: 06:59

You know where they were and what was happening in their lives as to what we worked on.

:: 07:05

But then I also began working with some adults, you know, just kind of as different people crossed my path and different people referred them to me and it.

:: 07:16

Was like oh.

:: 07:17

You know, this is a really big deal because again, so many people either weren't diagnosed when they were young but always had the struggle. I mean, it's not like they just, you know, this just appeared one day or they might have even been diagnosed as a kid and somehow just managed.

:: 07:36

To get through life kind of and, you know, and now we're at a place in their life where they're just like, I need some help. This is not working well.

:: 07:46

So now I have.

:: 07:49

Everything from middle school to, you know, people.

:: 07:51

My age, so it's.

:: 07:53

It's a really interesting mix right now.

:: 07:58

So you're mostly doing one-on-one coaching with them.

:: 08:00

Yes, right now. Yeah. Right now it's just one-on-one.

:: 08:04

Although I work with some families, so that kind of.

:: 08:09

I'll work with like a student one-on-one to plan out their week and to look at what else coming up on their agenda and how they can manage their extracurricular activities as well as the homework and the tests that are coming up and all.

:: 08:22

That good stuff. But then I'll also meet with the whole with the.

:: 08:26

Parents and the students, once a month or so to just.

:: 08:29

Kind of make sure.

:: 08:31

They are on the same page.

:: 08:33

And like everybody is understanding, especially those last couple of years of high school, it can be really hard. Parents have a lot of.

:: 08:44

Feelings going on, I mean.

:: 08:46

They're their babies about to go away to college and they want them to be in a good college that.

:: 08:51

That's who they are and you know.

:: 08:53

Not too far from home or whatever. And the kid wants to, you know, go somewhere else, maybe. And the kid has ideas about what they want from high school. And the parent has a different idea. And so to try and help them figure out how to communicate about their feelings and then also to.

:: 09:13

Support one another and for the for the student to understand this is.

:: 09:17

Really hard for your parents.

:: 09:19

And for the parents to understand, you know, listen to why your student wants to go to, you know, somewhere.

:: 09:26

Far away or.

:: 09:27

To a particular school.

:: 09:28

And you know, try to figure out.

:: 09:31

Just build that communication, because what I found was if I worked really hard with the student, but I didn't include the parent, it was still just a big disconnect.

:: 09:45

It it's interesting when you start talking about ADHD and honestly I don't know that much about it, but.

:: 09:55

I have friends.

:: 09:56

With it.

:: 09:59

And just.

:: 10:03

I well, I guess what I was trying to.

:: 10:06

Go around in a roundabout way.

:: 10:09

It seems like.

:: 10:10

Whether you have ADHD.

:: 10:12

Or not. When you get to that point in school.

:: 10:16

Having somebody to help you facilitate the conversations that you're having with your parents because parents.

:: 10:22

Really don't know.

:: 10:24

What they don't know, and they don't remember what it was like to be that age. And if they do, their circumstances were way different than what's happening right now. The world has changed dramatically in the last 15 years. I mean, it's like.

:: 10:25

Right.

:: 10:39

Oh, it is.

:: 10:42

Totally different. And then COVID just made it.

:: 10:46

Like light screen.

:: 10:46

Even more complicated for sure. Yep, Yep.

:: 10:50

And college isn't always the answer for every student. And we're.

:: 10:53

Oh, no, for sure.

:: 10:55

Parents might be like, yeah, that's my expectation for you is to do XY and Z, But the kid is like, well, I just want to learn how to run heavy equipment and they don't know how to have that conversation with their parents, whether.

:: 11:09

They have ADHD or not.

:: 11:10

Right.

:: 11:11

Right. It is so true. So this summer I worked with several seniors and rising seniors over the summer.

:: 11:18

And a couple of them didn't have an ADHD diagnosis, but it was still really valuable for them. And we had a little family meetings and it was, it was great for them to be able to all get.

:: 11:29

Their thoughts and feelings about it out. I mean there was there was one family that like everybody ended up crying and they were all.

:: 11:36

Like it was, it was this really precious moment.

:: 11:38

And they all began to see.

:: 11:40

Oh, the way I've been dealing.

:: 11:44

You know, is not the mom and.

:: 11:45

Dad together and the kid like it was just. It was a whole thing and it was it was really powerful for them. And I've checked in and.

:: 11:51

They're still.

:: 11:53

You know the things that they put in place after that meeting, you know, they're sticking to it and.

:: 11:58

So we'll see what happens with all the, you know, moving forward, but it's been an exciting process.

:: 12:06

Really empowering to families to have that kind of.

:: 12:08

Those tools and.

:: 12:09

Right.

:: 12:11

They're at a point where they will see less and less.

:: 12:15

Of those children.

:: 12:17

In their lives.

:: 12:18

It it's just that's.

:: 12:19

How life goes your kids grow.

:: 12:21

It is.

:: 12:21

Up and they fly away and build their own.

:: 12:24

Nest, but if you have.

:: 12:27

The tools to communicate.

:: 12:30

At that point, then you can continue.

:: 12:31

Right.

:: 12:34

On and.

:: 12:35

Be able to have a good connection with your kids even as adults.

:: 12:38

Right, right. As adults and that's really important. I mean we're not, yes, we're done raising them, but like we're still parents, you know, and my kids are older now and that's still, I mean it's so true.

:: 12:51

So the things that I'm working on with my clients, I sometimes just, you know, bring in quietly to my own conversations with my.

:: 12:59

Kids. And you know when.

:: 13:00

I when I.

:: 13:01

First started working.

:: 13:03

With coaching students, it was my goal to ease the tension between parent and child by just kind of taking over all of that. OK, what do you have for homework and how are you going to get this all done? And all those conversations that the families were having that just?

:: 13:22

Led to big.

:: 13:23

I'll get it.

:: 13:24

Done. And what?

:: 13:24

Whatever. Yeah, I mean, so they it was just.

:: 13:27

This really uncomfortable situation, and so it was like, OK, I'll just solve that. I'll take that off the.

:: 13:33

Parent, you guys just talk about the good.

:: 13:35

Stuff and you know and then.

:: 13:38

It took me a while but finally.

:: 13:40

It was like ohh.

:: 13:41

Wait a minute, they actually need.

:: 13:44

More structure and this is again absolutely true for all students. But for kids who have ADHD, and often if a kid has ADHD, at least one of their parents also has ADHD. So if you've got, you know, two or three people who are trying to communicate these.

:: 14:03

Complicated issues and such deep feelings. I mean, this is like such a big time in all of their lives.

:: 14:13

It has to be more than just I'll take.

:: 14:16

That bickering off your plate, it's like, let me help facilitate a better way to be together.

:: 14:25

And really like the goal is to enjoy that last couple of years together and not spend the whole thing fighting.

:: 14:32

And I think a lot of it stems from.

:: 14:35

Parents don't really understand.

:: 14:38

What the is required of the student because it's really different now and students don't know how to communicate to their parents that, hey, it's really different now and I don't really understand how to set this up, where there might have been a time when parents could say.

:: 14:50

Right.

:: 14:59

I have these expectations of you.

:: 15:01

And the school would kind of tell you this is how to set up your day and this is how we're.

:: 15:06

OK.

:: 15:09

Going to move.

:: 15:10

You around and this is our expectation for homework and homework. Just homework alone is so much more intense than it was when I was in school. I don't know.

:: 15:21

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Absolute.

:: 15:22

Not you, but it was just like.

:: 15:24

I know high school kids that are doing hours and.

:: 15:28

Hours and hours of work.

:: 15:29

Yep. And hours. Yep.

:: 15:33

Yeah, 4:00 and 5:00.

:: 15:34

Hours after.

:: 15:35

Yeah, right. Right.

:: 15:36

For the next day and.

:: 15:39

It's that's not OK. And like it's so much pressure on these kids and again, they've already sat through their classes all day and supposedly learned a lot of things. And then they're supposed to go home.

:: 15:51

And don't forget, they're also supposed to volunteer somewhere, and they should be playing a sport and they should be involved in some kind of.

:: 15:57

Art like they're so much pressure on these kids to do things that I mean.

:: 16:04

That was not the culture that that I went through in.

:: 16:07

High school, so that's it's different.

:: 16:09

And then they have to do.

:: 16:09

The senior project. Wait. Yeah, OK.

:: 16:14

Something else on?

:: 16:15

More things and parents, it's on the one hand they're like, have you got your homework done? But they don't really have time to sit down and look at the amount of homework that these kids are doing and granted some of them maybe go and taking college.

:: 16:28

Right, right.

:: 16:32

Courses like this.

:: 16:34

Young girl I know I've known like all her life. She's 19 now. 18. Now she just graduated. But she graduated with honors. She has an associates degree in nursing.

:: 16:48

She's an EMT and she's a.

:: 16:52

5th degree black belt.

:: 16:56

I can't imagine how anyone can manage all of those things and as a I mean as a young person like.

:: 17:05

I couldn't manage all of that like.

:: 17:09

It's a lot. Yeah, a lot. Yeah, it's a lot.

:: 17:10

It's and.

:: 17:16

She's a really cool person.

:: 17:18

One of this growth to death but.

:: 17:20

Right, right.

:: 17:22

But that's just, and she's not unusual.

:: 17:25

I mean, if you're.

:: 17:25

Right. No, absolutely.

:: 17:26

Headed for school or college? That's. Yeah. But having being able to communicate with your parents and I. I know her mom really well. And her mom is.

:: 17:28

You were headed to.

:: 17:29

College. Those are the expectations. Yep. Yep.

:: 17:41

Her mom has had expectations high expectations for.

:: 17:45

Her whole life.

:: 17:54

She also kind of helped her figure out how to make this happen, and she gave her kind of a relief valve in another.

:: 17:57

Right, right.

:: 18:02

Area of her life.

:: 18:03

Oh, that's good. Yeah, yeah.

:: 18:07

Yeah, she has a lot of piercings.

:: 18:11

Kids can do.

:: 18:12

Really amazing things like I am blown away by some of the things that.

:: 18:17

You know, high schoolers and even, you know, college kids are doing these days like they know so much about the world and they're involved in things and they.

:: 18:28

You know they.

:: 18:30

They have a voice.

:: 18:31

And you know, I think I was just busy, you know, watching high school football games and stuff. I didn't. I didn't get involved in those kind of bigger ideas. So I do, I do think some of those things are really good.

:: 18:46

When kids have the structure around them to be able to manage it.

:: 18:49

So that it's not just overwhelming.

:: 18:53

Yeah. And it's kind of.

:: 18:55

Easy for them to get into the overwhelm mode.

:: 18:59

Oh yeah.

:: 18:59

With, if they have parents that don't really understand the expectations that they're placing on the student and I, I don't think that is uncommon either, you know.

:: 19:05

Right.

:: 19:09

No, not at all. Yep.

:: 19:12

No. Many, many, many kids feel very overwhelmed.

:: 19:19

And so they could come to you.

:: 19:23

Brings us full circle.

:: 19:28

Did you?

:: 19:29

Have a Facebook group where you're going to be helping people figure out strategies.

:: 19:37

Great. Yes to so, yes, they share ideas of things that are causing problems in their lives around either their executive function or ADHD and then.

:: 19:48

And I can sometimes help them problem solve, and that's the beautiful thing about a community is sometimes it's not me.

:: 19:54

Sometimes there's other people.

:: 19:55

Who have ADHD, who also came up with an idea and you know, so we can.

:: 19:58

Work together.

:: 20:01

Because there are solutions, so even if your ADHD is really significant.

:: 20:07

You can put the structure into your life to allow you to accomplish the things you want to accomplish. It may not be easy for a lot of people. It's not easy.

:: 20:16

And you know, we have to start somewhere with one thing. We can't fix everything all at once, you know. But we can start with something and get that area of your life for, for example, I have a lovely woman that I've been working with for.

:: 20:36

Eight months or so now, and she.

:: 20:39

Her house was just.

:: 20:42

All of the things that when you think ADHD, it was just all of that and her dining room table, you know, was the catch all place for everything.

:: 20:51

And we eventually, after a few weeks working together, we're.

:: 20:55

This is this is a thing you can.

:: 20:56

Do so. That was her task for one week was just to clean off the table and a couple days later she sent me the picture of the perfectly clean table and it was lovely. And she was so proud of herself. And that's been, I mean, again, that was one of the very, you know, was maybe a month in.

:: 21:13

And we're seven months or so later and her table is still spotless. Like she. That is a very important thing for her, and she's learned to manage that. And now it's also, you know, spreading to other areas of her life. And we're working on some other skills and you.

:: 21:27

Know just kind of taking one piece at a time so that she's able to find.

:: 21:33

More success and more, you know, peace. I mean, it's just, it's living in chaos. It's not. That's not what you wanted, you know.

:: 21:41

Right, right.

:: 21:43

That, if again, you don't have the skills to do it and it just it by the time it's.

:: 21:45

Yeah, no.

:: 21:52

A problem or really big problem than it is a really big problem. It's like you're looking at, it's like.

:: 21:53

Right.

:: 21:57

Right, right.

:: 22:00

The kids room.

:: 22:01

Little and you're like, go clean up your room. And I mean, everything is everywhere. There is nothing in the place that it's supposed to be in. And they're like, oh, no, I.

:: 22:01

Yeah. Yes.

:: 22:05

And then.

:: 22:08

No, no.

:: 22:12

Don't even. It's too overwhelming. Yeah, it's.

:: 22:12

Can't do this.

:: 22:15

Too overwhelming and having a coach or somebody to help you navigate the one thing just do.

:: 22:24

This one thing.

:: 22:26

And then we'll.

:: 22:26

Do the next thing.

:: 22:27

The next thing? Yep.

:: 22:29

And this is the next thing.

:: 22:30

And that's.

:: 22:31

How coaching works is we, you know, we solve one problem at a time and it's what they want to work on. I, you know, I didn't look.

:: 22:39

At the dining.

:: 22:39

Room table and be like throw that tables got a you know it's a mess. It was. It was completely her. And so working and same thing with students. You know if their problem is turning things in.

:: 22:51

ADHD, you know, all this online stuff, not learning but online, you know, portals and stuff. Every school has one, of course, now and.

:: 22:59

You know, I've got kids who work so hard on their homework and it.

:: 23:03

Is perfect. It is.

:: 23:04

Beautiful. And then they forget to hit.

:: 23:06

The button to upload it.

:: 23:08

And so they get either points off or you know.

:: 23:10

This teachers that, just like it's a 0.

:: 23:14

Sorry, excuse me. Never. Right, right. Thankfully, I don't have too many of those right now. Exactly like and that's not real life. Like, we don't get that in real life. Nothing is a 0 if you forget to push the button. Very, very, very few things. You may get a low penalty of some kind.

:: 23:15

You come back from zero.

:: 23:19

It's like, why don't you just like?

:: 23:22

Fail them now.

:: 23:33

Like that hole, I'm going to teach you responsibility by giving you a zero. That's not. That's not real life. So anyway. But we'll.

:: 23:42

Figure out how to.

:: 23:44

Work on, you know, making sure you hit the submit button or whatever the issue is if you don't know how to study for a test and like who teaches kids how to study for a test.

:: 23:56

You know, like that's not a thing. Who teaches kids how to take notes in class? Who teaches kids?

:: 24:01

How to take a test like when you sit down the test is in front of you. Now what do you do?

:: 24:07

And here, here's.

:: 24:09

A tip, I'll just throw out there right now like one of the things to think about when you're taking tests is you do not have to start with question number one and work straight through.

:: 24:17

To the end.

:: 24:19

You can decide where you want to start and you know some people really like to start with the hardest questions they've been studying right before they came in the room. They're ready for it. They know that formula.

:: 24:31

Or that vocabulary or whatever.

:: 24:33

And they go right for those really hard problems. Get those out of.

:: 24:36

The way and then they can relax.

:: 24:38

And do the.

:: 24:38

Easier parts of the test, some people.

:: 24:41

Like to do the opposite.

:: 24:42

Of that, they're like, OK, there's some really hard things on this test. I'm going to start with the easy ones and build.

:: 24:47

My way up.

:: 24:48

And it's up to every student, every time they sit for a test. What do I need to do to maximize?

:: 24:56

My ability to demonstrate what I know to my.

:: 25:00

Teacher, because that's what it's all about. It's just.

:: 25:02

It's I try to help.

:: 25:05

My athletes or those who are performers of different kinds to be like the test, is just the chance to perform like you've been practicing.

:: 25:13

You know.

:: 25:13

How to?

:: 25:13

Do this.

:: 25:15

Now just perform this is, you know just.

:: 25:18

Do the thing so.

:: 25:22

Good, good tips. I didn't actually know that. I always.

:: 25:27

Thought you had to start a question mine and.

:: 25:29

Work your way through.

:: 25:31

The only exception to that is there are some online tests that won't let you go back and like you.

:: 25:37

Can't do that, and those always really frustrating.

:: 25:39

For me because.

:: 25:40

Like, yeah.

:: 25:41

Anyway, but most of the time, especially if it's paper and pencil, do what makes sense to you.

:: 25:47

Yeah, it's good.

:: 25:48

Good tip. So how can people get?

:: 25:51

In touch with you, Traci.

:: 25:53

So I have a website, it's www.strategicconnectionsadhd.com. I'd love for you to check out what's there and just see there's a TEDx talk I got to do several years ago that's there that I talked about, neurodiversity, and how I think we need to value.

:: 26:14

People who are neurodivergent more than we do.

:: 26:16

As a society.

:: 26:20

And that's one way. And then also the Facebook group and I'm on Tik.

:: 26:26

T.O.K I have stuff on TikTok which is kind of.

:: 26:28

Fun for, you know.

:: 26:32

That was.

:: 26:32

That was a big jump, but.

:: 26:33

It it's been fun actually. I kind of like it.

:: 26:36

So those are the best ways to get in contact with me.

:: 26:41

And we'll put your Facebook group in the show notes too, and what's the one thing you want?

:: 26:44

OK, great.

:: 26:47

To leave the audience with today.

:: 26:50

It's actually the thing that that means the most to me, and the reason I'm doing the work I'm doing is because I absolutely believe that people who are neurodivergent, which just means their brains work differently.

:: 27:05

We are a very.

:: 27:06

Valuable community and we have so much to offer.

:: 27:09

And when society embraces and allows people to be who they are.

:: 27:16

Are it's not just the people who are neurodivergent who win. It's all of society like we have so much to gain from appreciating those differences.

:: 27:28

Absolutely. I could.

:: 27:30

Not agree with you more. I think everybody's.

:: 27:32

Neurodivergent in some way.

:: 27:33

I think so too.

:: 27:34

It's the same.

:: 27:34

Right, yes.

:: 27:36

Yes, yes, exactly like.

:: 27:37

That's what makes the world so cool.

:: 27:38

Every brain is different.

:: 27:40

Yes, absolutely.

:: 27:42

Thank you so.

:: 27:43

Much for joining me today, it's been great.

:: 27:46

Thanks for having me.