Let’s Get Physical (Again): Reigniting Intimacy in Long-Term Love with Xanet Pailet
Sex and intimacy coach Xanet Pailet joins Jill to share how couples can move beyond “talking about it” and actually feel their way back into connection—especially after years together. From navigating sexless seasons to scheduling “sexy dates,” Xanet reframes intimacy as an evolving art, not a rigid formula.
In this conversation:
- Communication as the foundation of great sex (without shame or blame)
- Spontaneous vs. responsive desire—and why more foreplay matters as we age
- “Outercourse,” variety, and beating boredom in the bedroom
- Men’s midlife changes (yes, it’s real) and taking the pressure off performance
- Repair after hurt or infidelity: safety, vulnerability, and reconnection
- Why planning intimacy can increase desire and make it more fun
- Xanet’s private couples retreats (Asheville) + annual Costa Rica group retreat
- A peek at her upcoming book, The Sex & Intimacy Repair Kit
✨ Take Xanet’s free Intimacy Equation Quiz to discover your unique intimacy formula: HowToImproveMyLoveLife.com
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Transcript
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Let's get…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Physical. In this episode, we uncover how to move beyond the endless talking about it, and finally reignite emotion and sexual intimacy that feels safe, passionate, and alive.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Hi, and welcome to the You World Order Showcase Podcast, where we feature life, health, transformational coaches and spiritual entrepreneurs stepping up to be the change they seek in the world.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: I'm your host, Jill Hart, the Coach's alchemist, on a mission to help Coaches and entrepreneurs.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Amplify their voice, monetize their mission, and get visible. If you're ready to start attracting premium clients without chasing algorithms or hunting people down like a banshee on a mission, head on over to Coachesalchemist.com and schedule your free client acquisition audit. It's the first step to building a business where your clients seek you out, rather than you having to hunt them down. Today, we are speaking with a
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: xanet?
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: palette.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: You wanna… Yeah. Go ahead.
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::Xanet Pailet: It's xanet pailet.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: xanet Pailet okay.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: I've tried this, like, several times, and I still struggle with it. xanet is a nationally recognized sex and intimacy coach, best-selling author of Living an Orgasmic Life, and founder of Passionate Intimacy Retreats, where she's led over 100 couples' retreats worldwide.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: After leaving a 26-year sexless marriage and high-powered legal career, she now helps couples transform stuck, disconnected relationships into ones filled with deep intimacy, safety, and joy. Through her experiential approach, Janae guides clients to feel their way into intimacy, rather than just
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: talk about it. Welcome to the show, Janae. It's really great to have you with us.
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::Xanet Pailet: Thank you, Jill. I'm excited to be here, excited to talk to your audience about how they can improve their intimacy life. It's very important, it's something I'm very passionate about.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: It is really important. Let me ask you the big question, and then we'll just dive right in.
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::Xanet Pailet: Absolutely.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: What's the most significant thing, in your opinion, as individuals we can do to make an impact on how the world is going?
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::Xanet Pailet: That's a hard question. I think right now, in this moment, I think the most important thing we can do is,
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::Xanet Pailet: To stay active in our communities, to… to still… to continue to try to build bridges between all of the different types of people and political factions that are out there, and remember that people are people, and that we really all have the same desires to be able to
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::Xanet Pailet: Put food on our table, have shelter, and create, you know, connections and community.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: I agree with that so much, and I think this kind of plays into what you do with helping people connect on a physical level, and how intimacy can really ripple out into your larger community.
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::Xanet Pailet: Totally.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: So… Go ahead and share with us what it is that you're doing, and how you're doing it.
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::Xanet Pailet: Well, so I am a sex and intimacy educator and coach. I'm a recovered healthcare lawyer, and I lived in a sexless marriage for over 2 decades, really, for 26 years, which is a very, very long time, long period of time.
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::Xanet Pailet: and, I had some trauma as a child, really shame trauma, which caused me to be very disconnected from my body and my sexuality, and so, sex was just…
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::Xanet Pailet: Painful for me, and traumatic for me, and my marriage, and it was just easier just to stop.
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::Xanet Pailet: And just put all of my energies into my career, building my own, at that point, healthcare practice, and raising my children. But eventually, as all things happen, the children leave the nest.
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::Xanet Pailet: The intimacy that we maybe had for a year or two when we first got married really had fallen apart at that point.
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::Xanet Pailet: And I decided that I needed to change my life and really also understand what was going on with respect to my own body, and my own sexuality, and that just led me on a very transformational journey around my own sexual healing and my own sexual awakening.
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::Xanet Pailet: And ultimately, and this happened, you know, when I was 50 years old, I'm 65 now, ultimately, I ended up realizing that my passion was to actually help
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::Xanet Pailet: women.
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::Xanet Pailet: who were in the same situation I was when I was in my 20s and had nobody to support me and just felt totally broken, to really help them learn how to embody and empower their sexuality, to heal their trauma and their wounds.
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::Xanet Pailet: And now I, for the last 15 years, for the last 5 years, I've been working specifically with couples.
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::Xanet Pailet: around, particularly those who are in sexless marriages, which are a lot, to help them learn how to reconnect physically and emotionally, and to create more passion in their lives, and I've been doing that through.
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::Xanet Pailet: very intense, one-on-one retreats that I hold privately in Asheville, North Carolina, and then group retreats that I do internationally as well.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: I love that, I love that, and I…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: I'm 65 also, and I know at this point in life, I've been married for 30 years.
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::Xanet Pailet: Mmm.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: It… it… I think it's better now than it ever was when I was younger. Just because…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: You see, it's… there's… there's some freeing aspect when you reach a certain point in your life, you're just like.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: I don't care, I'm not 20. Get over it.
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::Xanet Pailet: Right, right.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Being able to have conversations with your partner.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Who is also probably aging as well.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: There's been a lot of talk
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: About menopause for women out there, and how that affects your intimacy life, but
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: It… men go through something similar, and nobody talks about it.
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::Xanet Pailet: That's true.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: It's a lot of pressure on guys when you… when they're getting older and their body is not responding the way that they think that it should, because they're not 20 anymore, and
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: It's not that they don't desire you, it's just that their body is not reacting the way that it should, and, you know, having…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: I know you're more about practical things, but being able to have conversations about it without shaming either party, just like, how can we make this
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: intimacy still work? Do you…
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::Xanet Pailet: Yeah, I mean, that's a great question, and it's a great point, and you know, the foundation of all intimacy and great sex is communication. You have to be able to communicate with your partner about what's happening, and, you know, definitely, I mean, I work with a lot of couples in their 50s and their 60s, and some even in their 70s, right? And our bodies are changing.
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::Xanet Pailet: And that's, you know, a reality for… and thank you for pointing that out, because men sort of go through their own male menopause as well, as their testosterone
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::Xanet Pailet: drops, and their performance issues become more challenging as well, right? So being able to have conversations about, like, wow, things are… things are taking longer than they used to. Maybe we need to take some of the pressure off, right? And think about, you know, a new way to be able to connect with each other that is maybe less genitally focused.
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::Xanet Pailet: And more what we call, I don't… Joan Price came up with this name, outer course, right? Like, more focused on the foreplay aspect, and not as much pressure necessarily, on genitals.
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::Xanet Pailet: Or, you know, just having a conversation, because Viagra, Cialis, that can be very effective for men, and many men really, enjoy, you know, having that sense of, yes, you know, I can still perform the way I would like to be able to perform, because all I want to do is be able to please my partner and make them feel good.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Yeah, and I… You can make it fun, it doesn't have to be, like, super heavy-duty pressure.
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::Xanet Pailet: Right.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: And you can also use it to plan and make the event special. It doesn't have to be… you know, when you're young, a lot of times it's just like a chore.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: well, I'm not gonna say for everyone that's how it is, but I found when I was young, and I was working, and I had little kids, and my husband would want
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: to fool around, and I'm just like, oh god, this is just one more thing that we're gonna do. And it was, like, all the time, and I'm like, I'm tired, I'm busy, I get…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: This is not special for me.
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::Xanet Pailet: Right.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: which is just a release for you, and we're not even pretending anymore. Then a lot of times, with my first husband, that's really all it was. And then.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: And then you start getting all these things happening in your head, and it's like, you know.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: That's how sexless marriages end up becoming a thing.
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::Xanet Pailet: That is.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: just, like…
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::Xanet Pailet: Right.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: It's… it's a chore, it's not fun, it's not…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: exciting, and in some cases, it's just painful. I had endometriosis really bad when I was young, and it was just, like.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Excruciating pain at some point.
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::Xanet Pailet: Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And, you know, I mean, what you're talking about is what I call obligation or service sex, right? And just as you said, Joe, like, it does make women lose their desire for sex.
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::Xanet Pailet: Because they're not doing it out of… they're not coming from a place of desire or a place of interest, but a place of obligation.
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::Xanet Pailet: And that really doesn't feel good. And generally speaking, if you really ask men about it, they'll also say it doesn't feel good for them. I mean, yes, physically, it may feel fine, but they recognize that their partner really isn't into it.
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::Xanet Pailet: And everybody wants to feel desired and wanted. Like, that's one of the things that makes sex and intimacy connection so powerful.
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::Xanet Pailet: And when you're, you know, when your partner is just kind of doing the thing, you don't really feel desired either, right? And so I think everybody's aware of it, but we just don't have the language and the communication skills
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::Xanet Pailet: to be able to share what's actually happening for us. And that is how people end up in sexless marriages, because after a while, typically, you know, in this case, the woman just says, like, yeah, I'm done, right? Like, this…
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::Xanet Pailet: I'm not getting what I want, maybe I'm not getting the pleasure that I want, maybe I don't feel like I can ask for what I want, maybe it's all feeling like, you know, this is all for your pleasure, but not for mine, right? And then there's a million things I'd rather be doing than having sex right now. And slowly, over time, sometimes not so slowly, that really ends up becoming just a marriage where there's very little
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::Xanet Pailet: sex, which, you know, we define sexless marriages as couples that are having sex less than 10 times a year, so basically less than once, once
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::Xanet Pailet: every 6 weeks. And there are a lot of people that are in that situation. It's a high percentage.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Yeah, and generally it ends in divorce.
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::Xanet Pailet: And it generally ends in divorce, because you end up having a toxic relationship, and there's a lot of anger and resentment that's built up on both sides, absolutely.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Yeah, yeah, it's very sad. I heard this,
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: piece of information, I'll just phrase it that way, that was kind of life-changing for me, and I didn't hear it all that long ago, but men and women tend to come at sex differently. Like, men get aroused
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: first, and then they… get in the mood. Whereas women…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: No, it's the other way around. Men get…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: they get stimulated, and then they get aroused, and women get aroused, and then they get stimulated. They get in the mood for it after they're aroused, whereas men are in the mood for it, and then get aroused.
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::Xanet Pailet: Well, I think what you're talking about is the difference between spontaneous desire.
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::Xanet Pailet: Which happens when we're younger, right? And there's a lot more hormones at play, and then responsive desire.
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::Xanet Pailet: which, you know, requires some initiation. So, and another thing that you're mentioning is that, and this is true for both sexes, but particularly for women.
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::Xanet Pailet: Our brain is our largest organ when it comes to sex, and a lot of women need to have their brain stimulated before their body actually starts to get aroused. But definitely, as you're going through menopause and older, and as our estrogen levels and testosterone levels in women continue to drop.
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::Xanet Pailet: the responsive desire, which means a lot more foreplay is necessary, right? A lot more touching, a lot more helping your partner get into the mood, whether it's through words, or music or, you know, whatever really helps turn them on, is also important to get their brain involved in that activity, and the
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::Xanet Pailet: And that happens for so many reasons. Part of it is, like, you know, from a very young age, men have been easily get stimulated and aroused because they wear their arousal equipment on the outside of their body, and we don't. Ours is primarily inside our body, right? So there's just a much longer lag time between, you know, some arousal…
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::Xanet Pailet: And some sensation that actually happens in our bodies.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Yeah, that's…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: it's so fascinating to me how… how we function as bodies and together. And back to my other, comment about
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: As you get older, and you're more dependent on having
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: an event, rather than just, you know, show up and let's do it. It… it… it prepares…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: I think women, but also men, as they get older, they need it too. You're talking about it happens in your head. It allows you to work up to…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: to it, and it's an event. It's something that you plan for, and you make it special, and you…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: You work into it, and there's a little flirting that happens along the way, and it's not like.
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::Xanet Pailet: And I think, you know, the idea of scheduling sex, which is what you're trying… I just wrote a blog post about this, scheduling sex, you know, is, at any age, honestly.
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::Xanet Pailet: can be very important. It can be part of the arousal pathway, but it also… what it really says
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::Xanet Pailet: is that this is a priority for us in our relationship, right? And I feel like that's one of the biggest issues that we have, and why people end up in sexless marriages as well, because we don't make it a priority, and we don't have conversations about what everybody likes. And, you know, scheduling, knowing that you have a sexy date on the calendar once a week, which is what I usually tell my clients, you know.
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::Xanet Pailet: allows you to prepare for it. You can start flirting, you can start texting or sexting each other beforehand. You can start communicating about, like, what do you want this night to look like? And, you know, we also need to, redefine sex. It's not just intercourse. You know, sex to me is anything that creates an erotic feeling.
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::Xanet Pailet: be in you. And that could be a lot of different things, right? It could be just getting naked and cuddling with your partner. It could be a massage. It could be, you know, talking dirty to each other. There's a lot of, lot, a lot of different ways. There's a big smorgasbord of possibilities and activities, and the more we understand that, and the more we engage in that, the more interesting that our sex life
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::Xanet Pailet: becomes, because that's the other killer for women, particularly, because they get bored very, very easily.
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::Xanet Pailet: I don't know if you've had that experience, but I know I've had that experience, right? Like, you know, we… we are multitaskers, you know, we like a lot of variety, again. And…
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::Xanet Pailet: Boredom will kill a sex life as well. Stress will kill a sex life, but boredom will definitely kill a sex life as well.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Yeah, and the idea that it doesn't have to be perfunctory, that you can go and have a good time. It's… we're here for an experience.
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::Xanet Pailet: Right.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: And it doesn't always have to look the same, but as you go
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: have a longer relationship with your partner. You also… you can…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: It allows you to understand them better, and they understand you better, and you can play more in those relation… in those
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Situations. Yes.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: It doesn't always have to be super lighthearted, but it doesn't always have to be serious, and it can be… it can be whatever you want, and it can… it can change.
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::Xanet Pailet: And it should, right? Because again, that's the mark of a healthy sex life, is that nothing is the same. I mean, you know, sex is not a science. I know a lot of people think sex is a science, right? Particularly men. Oh, I do this, and then I do that, and then I do that, and we're good, right? But that's not true. Sex is actually, more like art.
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::Xanet Pailet: Right? Different strokes, at different times, and different temperatures.
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::Xanet Pailet: different colors.
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::Xanet Pailet: is really what allows a couple to really deepen their relationship, especially, right? And, you know, I think you mentioned my first book, but I have… I have a new book that's about to come out on March 4th, which, for couples, which is called the Sex and Intimacy Repair Kit, and I talk a lot in this book.
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::Xanet Pailet: About… in fact, the first two-thirds of the book is really about being able to create the emotional safety and the emotional connection and the vulnerability, and learning the skills that you need to learn in order to have hard conversations.
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::Xanet Pailet: Right? Because, to me, the difference between the… a healthy long-term relationship, one that's gonna last.
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::Xanet Pailet: And a relationship that's not going to last is the ability to be able to have repair conversations when we hurt each other, because we do hurt each other in long-term relationships. You will 100% hurt your partner, and they will hurt you.
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::Xanet Pailet: But being able to know how to repair that in a way that is vulnerable and empathetic.
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::Xanet Pailet: creates more intimacy and more connection, and I think that's a really, really critical piece around being able to develop intimacy with a partner, especially in a long-term
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::Xanet Pailet: relationship.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: That's a great point, because so many people get
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: They get hurt, and they feel like they're hearing from the outside, people…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: people have communities, and those communities will chip at you, and they'll be like, you know, infidelity happens. It happens in a variety of ways, and it…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: But you don't have to… Look at it…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: in anyone else's lens but your own. Right. You get to be in control of how you're going to move through that
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Experience in your life.
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::Xanet Pailet: You're free to accept them back.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: to forgive them and move forward, and there's ways to do that that allow for the vulnerability and the security to come back into your relationship. And there are… there are times when you…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: It's totally within the realm of things that…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: are open to you to just walk away. If… if you don't feel like it's repairable.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: there's… there are no rules, and I'm…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: I grew up in a time, I know you did too, where, you know, it's just like, you stay in the marriage for your kids. That's the dumbest advice I've ever heard in my entire life, because all you're doing is modeling bad behavior for your children, so they'll make the same mistakes you made.
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::Xanet Pailet: Right, right. Yes, and I am somebody who did that. Right? For a long time. But… but yes, I… I agree with you, like, I love… I love the name of your… your… your podcast, right? The… the… your world… what does it say?
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: You world order.
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::Xanet Pailet: world order. But, you know, you get to create the rules of your relationship 100%, however you want it to be. And, you know.
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::Xanet Pailet: I work with a variety of different people. Some people want to be in monogamous relationships, some people want to be in non-monogamous relationships. I've certainly worked with couples who… infidelity is an issue, right? It's, you know, it's one of the reasons, for sure, that we have a high divorce rate, but I'm always curious about what caused that infidelity, right? And if you actually go back and start to examine that, if both people are open to that, you'll see that there
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::Xanet Pailet: There was just a lot of disconnection, and there was a lot of hurt, and a lot of wounding, and no ability to repair that. No ability to make each other
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::Xanet Pailet: feel better. And so, you know, in the context of infidelity, since you brought it up, you know, there's opportunities there to be able to create more intimacy and more vulnerability. And sometimes the couple is just too far gone, and the relationship is too toxic.
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::Xanet Pailet: that would be my own experience, to be able to… to be able to continue, and the best thing is for everybody to… to move on to, you know, the next chapter of their life, and we're allowed to have more than one chapter in our romantic relationships, right? You know, that's also, like, a rule we've been told, you know, no, there's one person for the rest of your life. Well, maybe you get to have multiple chapters. Maybe not.
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::Xanet Pailet: You know, it's your choice how you want to live that part of your life.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: And you shouldn't feel guilt about it.
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::Xanet Pailet: Great.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: so much of… My childhood was built around you know…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: feel guilty about the way you feel. It's like, well, I don't…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: I'm just trying to learn how I feel, and then we're gonna add guilt onto that.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Should I… should I be ashamed of this feeling? Hmm… don't know.
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::Xanet Pailet: Yeah.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: The internet to tell us…
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::Xanet Pailet: We did it, we did it.
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::Xanet Pailet: We didn't have the internet, and we were not as open as we are. I mean, not that we're still that open, but we're more open than we… I mean, the fact that.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: anymore.
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::Xanet Pailet: You know, I keep on getting booked on a lot of podcasts to talk about a subject that can be very uncomfortable for a lot of people, tells me that things have changed a lot.
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::Xanet Pailet: Even in the last 10 years. And that's only a positive thing that we feel, and certainly the younger generation, my kids, and even younger than them, the kids in their 20s, they are much more open. They're much more able to talk about sex, and
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::Xanet Pailet: you know, what their… what their desires are. I mean, they've got some of their own issues around the internet and, you know, what… whatnot, but they… they definitely… this is not as…
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::Xanet Pailet: it seems to me that in many communities, sex is not as shamed as it had been for our generation, for sure. And that has been a good thing for society, and, you know, hopefully will continue.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Yeah, I think the whole birth control thing, and the free sex thing, when we were young, equated to…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Men not feeling like they had to take responsibility.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: for… For having intimacy in a relationship, and then they would fall in and out of relationships quickly.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: And I…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: I'm going to say I saw it predominantly in older men who were in, like, their 30s and 40s, when I was in, like, my 20s. It was really very predatory, and if you look back on how the whole sexual revolution
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: kind of unfolded.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: our… our… formative years.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: It's easy to see how the young men at that time were looking at their fathers or their, you know, the older males in their environment or their communities, and getting confused about what their roles were.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: and how to have a good marriage, or a good partnership, doesn't even… I… marriage is one of those things that…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: It's over… overemphasized a lot in our society at…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: You know, if you can find a partner, and you guys are good together, and you…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: want to have a partnership? Great. If you just want partners because you…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Good together physically? Great. I have a good time.
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::Xanet Pailet: Right.
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::Xanet Pailet: Yeah, definitely. Yeah, I think that, I think that's true, that, you know, that perspective,
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::Xanet Pailet: I mean, I never experienced it personally because, you know, I was so asexually shut down, and B, got married at 24. So I never had that sense of, like, real, you know, autonomy and freedom, although I saw that, you know, around me. But I do think that
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::Xanet Pailet: you know, it's interesting, there are all sorts of terms that I'm not even that familiar with that, the younger generations are using to describe relationships, like situationships and…
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::Xanet Pailet: other terms that it's like, wow, okay, that's new for me. You know, that, I think, is important, because again, right, like, we get to, you know, choose the type of relationship that we want, and what works for us in our 20s is maybe going to be very different than what works for us when we're 30 or 40 or 60, right?
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::Xanet Pailet: And, you know, I think, you know, allowing women to have, and men, to have that
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::Xanet Pailet: You know, more of that freedom and more choice and less stigma.
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::Xanet Pailet: around having to get married, having to have children, like, all of those requirements that were put upon us, I think, as young women, is very freeing for… for people, and is allowing them to live much more, in some ways, more, more happier lives, right? More content.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Yeah, and really more productive.
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::Xanet Pailet: And more productive.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: They're able to just be themselves, they can come as they are, and they can find partners that…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Can appreciate them for who they are.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: going both ways. There was a time when women really just needed a husband because
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: they couldn't make it on their own. And that was a thing.
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::Xanet Pailet: That's true. And, you know, in my… at my retreats, I see… I would say the vast majority of my retreat couples are in second or third marriages, right? Especially if they're older.
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::Xanet Pailet: And so, you know, and I think what you said before is, like, the older you get, and I think this is one of the myths around menopause that a lot of women hold.
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::Xanet Pailet: for many women, like, the older you get, the more freer you're… you can be with your sexuality. Less constraints that you have. You don't have to worry about getting pregnant and using birth control and all of the having a period and all of the way that affects us.
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::Xanet Pailet: and it does provide a lot more opportunity for us to be able to really,
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::Xanet Pailet: completely embody our sexuality, and I love when I see older women, you know, midlife women, like, really embodying their sexuality and expressing themselves in the way they've never felt like they could express themselves before. Sometimes.
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::Xanet Pailet: in the midst of a same, you know, long-term relationship, but often, you know, we learn from our mistakes, right? Or if we don't learn from our mistakes, as you know, we're just going to repeat them, right? So being able to, you know, recreate a different type of relationship than what you had with a previous partner in the area of sex and intimacy is critically important.
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::Xanet Pailet: And it just feels… I love it when people leave and they're like, you know, we're having the best sex we've ever had in our lives, and I'm like, that's fantastic, you know, that's the way we should be able to live our life.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Yeah, for sure. So, you primarily coach people through your retreats? Do you do one-on-one or group coaching, or is it just the.
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::Xanet Pailet: So, my retreats are, private… primarily private retreats, so I work with couples over a four- to five day period, in a… on a one-on-one basis at… in Asheville, North Carolina, which is where I live, and I have a
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::Xanet Pailet: very sexy Airbnb on property, and we work over about a 14-15 hour period of time over those 4 or 5 days.
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::Xanet Pailet: And then, once a year, I offer a group retreat, international group retreat, in Costa Rica, typically, where… mostly for couples that are not having… they've either come to a private retreat, and they're in a much better place.
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::Xanet Pailet: Or, they're just a couple that wants to expand their repertoire. They just want to have more intimacy and connection, and they're not really, like.
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::Xanet Pailet: struggling with significant issues that would need a lot of my time, and attention. And it's interesting, interesting you asked about a group coaching program, because I just signed up for them in the process of creating, a online inter… it'll be an interactive, experiential-based, because all of my work is experiential-based.
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::Xanet Pailet: Group coaching program for couples.
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::Xanet Pailet: On… probably… I don't have a title for it yet, but it'll probably be, like, how to overcome sexless marriages, how to overcome…
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::Xanet Pailet: you know, sexual challenges in a long-term relationship. So that, that, that will be coming… well, I gotta probably be out sometime in March or April.
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::Xanet Pailet: That's exciting. Yeah, I'm excited. I'm excited about that, of being able to, you know, help more people, because as you know, when you're even doing retreats, I only do them twice a month, right? You're just limited to the number of couples that you can actually work with.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Yeah, and I can see that the demand could be growing, and a way to find out more, you have the Discover Your Unique Intimacy formula.
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::Xanet Pailet: Yes.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: With the intimacy Equation Quiz. You want to talk a little bit about that?
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::Xanet Pailet: Yeah, so everybody has their own unique formula, around emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, sexual intimacy, and this is just a… it's a nice little quiz that allows you, you know, you answer, like, 6 or 7 different questions, and then you get an assessment of, like, where are you on this formula? What type of person are you? What's your
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::Xanet Pailet: you know, what's your formula? Are you more spiritual? Are you more on the sensual? Is trust and devotion more important to you? And understand some of the strengths around that, and then some of the challenges around that. And then, you know, hopefully your partner does it, if you're in a partnership, does it as well, and you can compare and see where do you integrate, and
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::Xanet Pailet: what… what is the connection between somebody who's a very… that trust and devotion is very important to them, and somebody who really needs erotic charge. That's important to them, right? And how do you start to integrate those two pieces? So it's really, it's a way in for everyone to really understand a little bit better about the…
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::Xanet Pailet: Aspects of themselves that are important in, intimacy and sexual relationship, and then how to start to find a way to integrate it with your partner.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: So would you say it's better to do the quiz by yourself, or with your partner, or both of you do it together?
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::Xanet Pailet: Oh, yeah, you should definitely do it on your own. You each should do it… everybody should do it on their own, because your answers are going to be probably very, very different. I mean, sometimes they'll be the same, but, you know, I think, you know, like any other personality quiz, right? Like, it's a way of assessing, you know, if you will, your intimacy personality, and I definitely think you should do it on your own, and you'll each get your results.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: And those… Just like personality quizzes, or…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: panels. It does help you to understand the other person.
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::Xanet Pailet: So much better.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: come at that perspective, so that's really great.
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::Xanet Pailet: Yeah.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: People can find that at HowToIimprovemyloveLife.com.
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::Xanet Pailet: That's right, howtoimprovemyloveLife.com, and then you'll also get information about, if you would like to have more work with me, have access to me, have questions, information on how to access my new book, the Sex and Intimacy Repair Kit, all of that will
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::Xanet Pailet: We will… we will give you tons of information for you to be able to access.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Love it, love it. Thank you so much for joining us today, Janae. It's been a great conversation.
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::Xanet Pailet: Thank you so much, Jill, for being open to having this conversation, and I really appreciate you having me and, you know, providing a platform to be able to talk about some issues that may be a little bit uncomfortable for people, but important.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: I think they're really important, and I appreciate you
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: being willing to come out and talk about these things, because I think It's time. It, you know…
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::Xanet Pailet: Agreed.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: People don't… don't get the information if it's not put out in a way that they can access it.
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::Xanet Pailet: Yeah, for sure.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: To learn more about Janae and to discover your unique intimacy formula with her free intimacy equation quiz, please visit HowToIimprovemyloveLife.com, and we'll be sure to put that link in the show notes below. Thanks for tuning in with us today to the UWorld Order Showcase Podcast. If you're ready to amplify your voice, monetize your mission, and start attracting premium clients, your next step is simple. Head to thecoachesalchemist.com
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: and schedule your free client acquisition audit. Be sure to join us for our next episode, where we share what others are doing to raise the global frequency. And remember, change begins with you. You have all the power to change the world.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Start today, and get visible.
